ugh

I'm sitting here channel surfing..and I'm sad. It's definitely been an ugh kinda day. I'm seriously contemplating the status of my relationship. If I am really honest with myself I'm just not happy. Anyone who knows me knows why. I just really think this relationship has run its course. I need to find the strength to end it. On a better note I just found reruns of Entourage on Spike TV. So thats a plus. I'm just so sick of trying to force this relationship. Besides all the other bullshit going on, more often than not I am left emotionally and sometimes physically unfullfilled (especially lately) I mean when things are good they are really good but when they are bad they are fucking awful. All in all it's not healthy. And I think I have been in denial for a really long time. I know deep down this will probably never work and yet I still can't find the strength or courage to just end it. I have lost so much of myself and been completely consumed by this man for far too long. But I love him...so much..and though I know he really doesn't deserve my love and dedication I still choose to stay. What is wrong with me? Seriously!? I really don't know what is wrong with me! Like I know things need to change but I don't know how! It's so frustrating. It's not what I want anymore. It's sad and scary and depressing to know that I was so wrong about someone. But then again people only show you what they want you to see about themselves and that's what it boils down to. I am the only one who can make the changes that are necessary in my life. Now if only I could stop blogging about it and go do it!