So it has turned out to be a pretty interesting week. On Monday I got to go back to high school for a couple of hours. I helped with Davin's friends magic show thing. It just reminded me that I would not want to go back to high school! It was fun but I didn't sleep the night before and was pretty tired by the time we got done. Then I came home and I decided to continue pursuing the job thing. I made a couple of phone calls and a woman asked me to forward my resume, she was looking to hire a receptionist for her hair salon. I went to kinko's to print out a few copies of my resume and on my way out of the parking lot I noticed I was right next to the child care center that had also had an ad up on craigslist. I decided to go in and fill out an application. It's a great place with really great people. I spent almost three hours there talking to the director. I am really keeping my fingers crossed I really want this job. So all in all Monday was a pretty decent day. Then came Tuesday I was still being bothered by the things that were on my mind on Sunday. He could tell there was something wrong with me. We got into the conversation about our relationship and for once I was relieved to get everything off my chest. It turned into an arguement which I knew it would but for once I wasn't sad I was strong, I was going to end it once and for all...at least that's what I thought. He ends up telling me he doesn't want to lose me that he will do whatever it takes. He says he wants us to have better communication and for us to know each other better, I tell him I waht those things too but I don't see it happening. He says it will. Somewhere I lose my strength and fall back into wanting what I have always wanted and that is to be with him. He convinces me to go for a ride and we go walk around the mall talking. Then he takes me out to dinner and tells me we're going out. So I get home, shower and get ready to go out. We go to XS at the encore hotel and meet up with a few of his friends that are visiting from Alaska. We leave tge club after about 20 min because it's just too crowded. We go have a couple drinks at a lounge and then his friends convince us to go with them to Sapphire's a strip club. So we go have a couple more drinks there. Then we leave and decide to go gambling at Aria a new hotel in City Center. We end up playing 25$ hands of black jack and actually win a little $. Then we decide to call it a nite seeing as how at this point it's 6:30 am. We go grab breakfast from McDonald's and fall asleep in each other's arms, and in that moment I am happy. So I spent Wednesday hung over all day! So the past two days have been reltively uneventful. But I am hoping to hear from the child care place and have an interview set up soon! And as far as my relationship status I guess I'm going to stick it out for a while longer and see what happens.

ugh

I'm sitting here channel surfing..and I'm sad. It's definitely been an ugh kinda day. I'm seriously contemplating the status of my relationship. If I am really honest with myself I'm just not happy. Anyone who knows me knows why. I just really think this relationship has run its course. I need to find the strength to end it. On a better note I just found reruns of Entourage on Spike TV. So thats a plus. I'm just so sick of trying to force this relationship. Besides all the other bullshit going on, more often than not I am left emotionally and sometimes physically unfullfilled (especially lately) I mean when things are good they are really good but when they are bad they are fucking awful. All in all it's not healthy. And I think I have been in denial for a really long time. I know deep down this will probably never work and yet I still can't find the strength or courage to just end it. I have lost so much of myself and been completely consumed by this man for far too long. But I love him...so much..and though I know he really doesn't deserve my love and dedication I still choose to stay. What is wrong with me? Seriously!? I really don't know what is wrong with me! Like I know things need to change but I don't know how! It's so frustrating. It's not what I want anymore. It's sad and scary and depressing to know that I was so wrong about someone. But then again people only show you what they want you to see about themselves and that's what it boils down to. I am the only one who can make the changes that are necessary in my life. Now if only I could stop blogging about it and go do it!

It's my first time.

Yes...it's true I am a blogging virgin. I have a lot of time on my hands and enjoy writing so I figured why not? My bff **STAR** actually is the one who inspired me to start this..with her recently started blog. So thanks for that. Ok so let's see I have been lookin for a job lately. Craislist is kind of a pain in the ass. I am applying at a couple of places and hopefully will get some good news soon. Right now I am sitting on my ass watching movies on TNT. First was Forrest Gump, which I love! It is so clever and well done I have seen it so many times and it never gets old! Now We Were Soldiers is on. This is one I haven't seen before. So far it's pretty good. Kinda sad, but good. I'm getting kind of hungry...think I'm going to eat the rest of my steak salad. So lets see what else can I say? I have been trying to get into better shape lately and hurt myself in doing so...guess I sprained my hip flexor or something...ouch! Ok so this isn't the most interesting first entry but it wasn't a very interesting day so what can I say? Anyway keeping my fingers crossed about new job prospects.